


Petals on his Pillowcase

by what_in_the



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Amnesia, Flowers, Hurt/Comfort, It’s gonna hurt, Jeremy is a Sad Boi, M/M, eventually, hanahaki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-09-26 08:53:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17138759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/what_in_the/pseuds/what_in_the
Summary: Michael has Hanahaki. He had lived longer than he should have, and it’s finally starting to catch up to him, so his moms insist he get the surgery. He does, but there are some unitended side effects.Jeremy hasn’t seen his best friend (and possibly crush) in two weeks. Unsure if he is being ignored or something is actually wrong, Jeremy goes over to Michael’s house. What he finds will break his heart, possibly forever.





	1. Pink Camellias

Michael had been coughing up flowers for as long as he could remember. When he was five years old, it had been yellow rose petals. Friendship, he had later learnt they meant. They were pretty and they felt soft when they came out of his mouth, so he never bothered telling anyone, not even his moms.

Everyone just accepted that he had a perpetual cough. He had only been with his moms for a few months when it started up, so they assumed it was nothing too serious, especially after the doctors couldn't find anything seriously wrong with him.

When Michael had turned thirteen, the petals turned into blue morning glory petals. They were small and very pretty, even if they hurt a little coming up. Michael needed to empty his ever present handkerchief a lot more than normal. He had finally been old enough to look them up, and found they meant unrequited love.

He had already figured that his little crush was unrequited, especially since he was figuring out that he might like guys. Gay crushes were often unrequited anyway.

They turned to gardenia buds when Michael started his freshman year of high school. Forbidden love. Yeah, he had already figured that out. Gay romances weren't exactly very present in the world, not outside of fiction anyway. He could dream, but people generally didn't accept anything other than heteronormative relationships. Especially when one party was straight.

Halloween saw the buds turn into full blown peony blooms. Anger. Surprisingly accurate, and even though Michael could never hate him, there was a lot of anger behind the feelings now.

Still, Michael couldn't hate him, or make the flowers stop.

When they were friends again, the flowers turned to sedum, an old cure for broken hearts. Except now they weren't just flowers. Stems and leaves and flowers all bundled up in his chest. And coming out with blood and flesh and pain.

Michael couldn't last much longer.

The flowers were killing him.

And as much as he wanted to be that sappy hero who died for love, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Just like on Halloween, his promise was too strong. He couldn't bring himself to die.

Finally, after twelve years, Michael tearfully told his moms he had hanahaki. Of course, they insisted he get the surgery, prices be damned. They didn't even ask who it was for, they just wanted their baby safe.

So Michael got they surgery, they removed the buds and stems and petals from his lungs and the roots which had caged around his heart.

The pain stopped. The coughing stopped. The heartbreak stopped.

And Michael’s feelings and memories of Jeremy, the man he loved, faded from his mind.

 

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since Jeremy or anyone else had seen Michael. Not a call nor a text, not even an online status. Michael may have well vanished off the face of the Earth.

Jeremy refused to let it continue. If Michael wouldn't contact Jeremy, or return his calls or his messages or anything, then Jeremy would take matters into his own hands. And that was how he found himself outside of Michael’s house that Friday evening, heart pounding and stomach clenching.

He knocked, not willing to pull out his spare key and just let himself in. It was possible that Michael had been avoiding him on purpose. If that was the case then Jeremy wouldn't force his way back in. God knew that Michael was allowed to be angry after all the shit Jeremy had pulled with the SQUIP all those months ago.

It wasn't Michael who opened the door. Jasmine Mell, weak and teary eyed, peaked out around the dark red door. It shocked Jeremy to see her around, normally both she and her wife were working at this time of day. Her expression made Jeremy’s heart drop; there was very little that could shake that woman.

“H-hi Mrs Mell! I'm here to see Michael!” Jeremy tried to sound upbeat, even as he began drowning with fear. His words were stuttered and Mrs Mell crumbled under his attempt at a friendly gaze. “What’s wrong?”

Tears began rolling down Jasmine’s face as she let out a quiet sob.

“I'm sorry, Jeremy. It's Michael, he’s-” another sob broke her train of thought. Jeremy couldn't breath. There was no way.

“What? He’s… he’s not…”

“Oh no, love! He’s still alive. He’s just… well… it's hard to explain,” his chest loosened slightly. If Michael was alive, then everything could be fixed, everything would be alright. Something in Mrs Mell’s expression prevented him from relaxing entirely.

Still, he followed her as she guided him in, sitting him at the breakfast bar. He waited in silence as she pottered around, mixing him up a cup of tea, which he accepted gratefully. The gentle smell relaxed him. Something told him he’d need it.

“Michael had hanahaki, he’s had it for years apparently.” She said after a moment. Jeremy’s heart stuttered. How could Michael have had hanahaki for years? How had Jeremy never known? Then he realised: the coughing, the hanky, Michael’s inexplicable knowledge of flowers, it all made sense.

Jeremy felt terrible. Michael had been suffering for so long and Jeremy had never noticed.

“We got him the surgery, obviously. He wrote a couple of notes out, just to let people know, but I don't know what he did with them.” Mrs Mell continued,and another load weighed itself off of Jeremy’s mind. Michael wouldn't be suffering anymore at least, but why was Mrs. Mell still so broken up?

“I'm sure you know what the surgery does,” Jeremy nodded but still gestured for her to continue, “it removes all the flowers, as well as the feelings tied to them. What we didn't know was that it removed memories too. All the memories and the love and everything, just gone, forever. Well, I'm sure you know, Michael has been coughing for almost as long as we’ve had him. By all reason, he should have been dead by now. The surgery saved him, but he’s… different now.”

“Well of course he’s different, he lost a part of himself! He loved someone so much and thought they didn't love him back, and it almost killed him! His memories of them are gone…” Jeremy couldn't help it, he was scared and worried and it was all bubbling over in a mess of emotions. Mrs. Mell didn't seem too upset with him though, she just shook her head sadly. Jeremy sighed, and was a little concerned when felt an odd stirring in his throat, like he needed to cough. It was the same sensation that had been bothering him for the past two weeks. He pushed the feeling aside for later as he always did. “Can I see him? Please? I just need to see with my own eyes that he’s alright.”

Jasmine Mell was a surprisingly strong woman, Jeremy knew this as a fact, and he would later realise just how much strength it would have taken her to nod and lead him towards the basement stairs.

Jeremy could hear the sound of a video game playing down there, Mario Kart by the sounds of it, as well as the usual sounds of Michael struggling with a course. They seemed a little off though, like he was failing more than he would normally. But that was ridiculous, he and Michael had perfected each and every level on every console Michael owned, they had done it together.

Michael must have heard them come down, because as soon as they reached the bottom step, he called back to them.

“Hey mom, who was that yelling a minute ago? You haven't annoyed the neighbours again, have you?” He sounded… odd. To anyone else, anyone who didn't know Michael as well as Jeremy did, he would have sounded fine, but to Jeremy, everything was wrong. There was just something off, like when all your furniture has been shifted an inch to the left. It looks fine, but you keep running into everything. Michael sounded fine, just… off.

“No, honey, Ms Hansen hasn't been round in days. You have a visitor.” Mrs Mell’s voice shook slightly, but she was obviously trying to smile. Jeremy barely noticed, too fixated on the game on the tv. Michael kept falling off, and was currently in 10th place. That was wrong. Michael never placed out of the top three.

The boy in question paused the game and turned around in his beanbag. He seemed placid, none of his usual energy bounding through his movements. Jeremy had only seem him like this when they were both high off their asses and Michael had a particularly good day.

When Michael’s eyes landed on Jeremy, there wasn't an ounce of recognition, just a vague interest. Still, he stood and carefully made his way over to Jeremy, movements hesitant but still friendly. Jeremy choked back tears as Michael stuck his hand out, exactly the same way he did when they were five years old.

“Hi, my name’s Michael. Nice to meet you.”

 

Ice cold panic shot through Jeremy’s veins. Michael didn't remember him. Michael had forgotten everything. Which meant he was the one who Michael had loved and that just made every horrible thing Jeremy did to him even worse!

“Hey, are you alright?”

Jeremy had been hurting Michael this whole time, Michael had been literally dying and it was all Jeremy’s fault.

“Jeremy, honey, can you hear me?”

Jeremy had spent hours telling Michael about his crush on Christine. God, that must have hurt so much! Michael had been in love with Jeremy for years, probably, if the persistent cough was any tell, and there he was, rambling on about a girl he had spoken to a handful of times. A girl who he broke up with after three dates.

“His name’s Jeremy? Ok, Jeremy, I need you to focus on me. Focus on my voice.”

Why would Michael even stick around after that? Why didn't he tell Jeremy? Why wouldn't he just say something? Pain flickered up his spine as something brushed against his arm. Jeremy squirmed away as fast as he could, dropping to the floor and curling up.

“Don’t touch him, mom! He’s having a panic attack!”

Jeremy knew why Michael had stayed silent, same reason he himself hadn't said anything these last few months. They had been through so much together, he didn't want to risk their friendship again. Jeremy didn't deserve that chance anyway, he was terrible. He had hurt his favourite person to the point of near death. The SQUIP was right.

“Come on, dude. Just listen to me and breathe.”

Everything about him was so terrible.

“I know you can hear me. You're not alone, just listen to my voice.”

Everything about him made him want to die.

“You're safe, with people who care. Come on Jeremy, I know you can do it. Come back to me.”

There was a voice. It was a nice voice. It wasn't his own voice. It wasn't the SQUIP’s voice either. It was gentle and soft and sweet and so pretty. He turned his head slightly to hear it better.

“There you go. Now you don't need to say anything, just breathe with me.”

Breathing. He could do that, maybe. His chest was tight but since the nice voice was asking, he could try. He took a deep, shaking breath only to lose it a second later.

“That's good, well done. Just keep doing that. Keep breathing. And try to hold it longer.”

Jeremy couldn't see, but he thought the voice might be smiling. It sounded happy. So he did it again, a deep breathe and then release, a bit more controlled this time. Then again and again. His heart rate slowed a little. The pounding in his head did not.

“There you go. Keep breathing. Now I want you to focus, what can you see? You don't need to tell me, just list them to yourself. Five things, come on.”

Okay, what could he see? Slowly Jeremy opened his eyes. He wasn't sure when he closed them, but even opened everything was blurry and fuzzy.

“I can see the stairs, purple slippers, white sneakers, the rug with the juice stain on it and Michael’s red hoodie.”

Like a cable being snapped tight, Jeremy felt a sudden jolt as he reconnected slightly. He realised what had happened and, though he couldn't stop it himself, he could try to help get himself back to reality. Though grounding was normally used to prevent an attack, it also helped him get out of one.

“That's good, great job Jeremy. Now, what can you touch? Give me four things you can feel through touch.” The voice, he now recognised dimly as Michael’s, encouraged him. It was still calm but the relief was almost tangible.

“I can feel the cold wood of the stairs, the pull of the plaster on my knee, the bruise my hip from where I ran into a desk and… and…” he reached out blindly, wrapping his fingers around the first thing he came into contact with. He instantly knew what it was. “And Michael’s hand.”

The pounding in Jeremy’s head lessened a little as he felt his connection with reality strengthen. More, he needed more connections.

“Okay now, you're doing great Jeremy. Do you remember what’s next? Three things you can hear.”

“I can hear the pause music from Wario’s gold mine, Jasmine crying a little and you talking to me.”

Okay, he was close enough to actually make the link between the voice and Michael properly. No more weird third person thing. He was there, in Michael’s basement, panicking as Michael calmed him down. Not the first rime this had happened.

“You're getting there. Do you want to continue?” Jeremy nodded and he could hear the relieved sigh clearly now. “Okay then, tell me two things you can smell.”

“I can smell orchid perfume and…” Jeremy sniffed, “Mountain Dew Red.” He knew that smell, it was one of his favourites. Both he and Michael drank the stuff all the time these days. Beside him, Michael sucked in a shocked breath, then cocked his head in confusion as though he didn't understand his own reaction. Probably didn't, for all Jeremy knew.

“Perfect. Now one thing you can feel emotionally.” Michael gave his hand, still clutched desperately in Jeremy’s grip, a little squeeze. It calmed Jeremy enough that he could focus on what he felt.

“I feel… sad.” It wasn't the right word, but it was close. “I'm sad because I let you down.” And he was back.

Jeremy was finally properly aware of everything. He had just panicked because Michael didn't recognise him. Somehow Michael knew how to help him out of that, despite having no memories of him. Jeremy still felt sad and guilty about what had happened. And that tickling in his throat was worse than ever.

Jeremy turned to look at Michael properly, taking in his worried expression.

“Thank you. I know you don't know me, but thank you so much Michael.”

Michael smiled a little, then looked away, embarrassed. Then he just looked sad.

“You're someone I don't remember, aren't you? I know I'm missing a lot, but I don't know why. Mom and mama won't tell me. You're part of what I'm missing, Because you know me but I can't remember you.”

Jeremy was only a little surprised that Michael had figured it out so fast; the boy had always been very smart, even if he wouldn't give himself credit for it. Michael was easily the smartest person in their grade though he would never admit it.

He nodded, not trusting his voice, and Michael sighed. Then he stood up and offered his hand to Jeremy. Jeremy hadn't even realised they were on the floor until then, but he took the proffered hand gently. He still was shivering despite the fact that the panic was gone.

Michael looked him over, a small, fond smile on his face. Then he shook his head and it fell, as though he didn't realise it was there in the first place. Jeremy’s heart broke a little more.

“Were we close?” Michael asked after his mom had acceded the stairs, leaving them alone. Jeremy nodded sadly.

“The closest, you were my best friend for almost my entire life.” And you were in love with me the whole time and I never knew, Jeremy added silently to himself.

Michael took a second, then nodded.

“Would you like a hug?” Jeremy’s brain short circuited. Michael didn't know him. Michael, who hated being touched by strangers, was offering a hug. That was a big thing, and Jeremy’s expression must have said as much. “You look like you need one, and even if I don't remember you normally, small parts of me seem to. Touching you feels fine.” Michael had that small smile again, and Jeremy could only nod and take a step forwards.

Two strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him in close, and Jeremy felt himself melt into the embrace. Michael was right, he did need this. Slowly, Jeremy wrapped his arms around Michael, his grip loose in case Michael needed to pull away. Tears started falling from Jeremy’s eyes again as he let himself be held.

He wasn't sure how long they stood there, holding each other, but it didn't matter. Michael clung to Jeremy tightly, as though he didn't realise how much he needed that hug as well. It made Jeremy feel good in a way, but all the more sad because why couldn't he have just done this when Michael still knew him? Why did he have to hurt Michael so much?

Eventually, Jeremy pulled back, a soft but teary smile on his face. Michael looked about the same, but brushed away his own tears with some confusion, as though he didn't know when he started crying.

“Do you… want to play Mario Kart with me? I kinda remember that I liked playing it.” Michael offered hesitantly. Jeremy grinned and nodded. If he had lost his own Michael, he could still enjoy the company of this new Michael. God knows he must be confused and scared and probably really needed a friend. If Jeremy couldn't help the old Michael, the least he could do was be there for this new one.

“We used to play all the time, you were amazing! Even if I did managed to kick you ass half the time.” Okay so maybe he was exaggerating a little, because Michael was somehow much better than him all the time, but he didn't need to admit that.

“Oh you're on!” Some of the familiar energy bubbled back into Michael. Jeremy grinned and the two boys bounced over to their respective beanbags. Jeremy scooped up the player two controller and shot a grin over to his new friend.

As Michael began setting up a new game, Jeremy coughed a little, feeling that tickling in his throat shift. By the time the game started, Jeremy had managed to dislodge the offending feeling.

Hours later, when Jeremy was preparing for bed, he began coughing again. That night, as Jeremy slept, a soft, pink petal found its way out his throat and onto his pillowcase.

 


	2. Blue hydrangeas

Jeremy wrote off the petal he found on his pillowcase the next morning. His cough was gone and he still felt fine, so surely it was just a coincidence. There was no way he had hanahaki now; Michael would have been cured if Jeremy was in love with him, surely, and they wouldn't be in this mess. There was just no way.

He pushed the issue aside for later, as always.

Jeremy set out for Michael’s house as soon as he was allowed. His dad had started making him actually do assigned chores instead of doing it all, and while Jeremy was grateful that his dad was finally back to being a dad, he also missed the days where he could just do whatever he wanted.

(His dad did let him go early, having been told about Michael the night before. Mr Heere might not have been the smartest man but he knew how hard Jeremy was taking it all.)

When he arrived, Michael was the one to greet him at the door this time. Jeremy still refused to use his keys, not until Michael trusted him more, knew him better. Jeremy wouldn't screw up his friendship with this version of Michael.

When Michael peaked around the burgundy door, Jeremy felt his heart stutter.

Sunlight streamed through the gap, illuminating Michael’s soft, dark skin and his silky, black hair. The surprisingly sharp cut of his jaw and high cheekbones gave him such a striking profile that Jeremy was shocked he didn't see it sooner. Michael was so handsome and while he had been aware of it in a vague sense, Jeremy had never really acknowledged it until that moment.

As soon as his gaze landed on Jeremy, Michael’s face lit up in a gorgeous smile. For a split second, it was like nothing had changed. Like Michael was still the same as ever and the SQUIP incident had never happened. Then Jeremy noticed the missing spark in Michael’s eyes and his hope dropped.

Stepping inside, he was given a brief, but warm hug from Michael and was immediately dragged towards the stairs to the basement.

He coughed a little and felt the silky petal settle gently on his tongue.

Shit.

Jeremy kept his revelation to himself for well over two months. Well after Michael had started going to school again and had revealed his memory loss to everyone. Well after Jeremy himself had acknowledged the fact that his crush wasn't just a crush, he was genuinely in love with Michael.

Well after he had started coughing up full, blue hydrangeas.

It had started with the petals. Pink camellias he had later discovered from a florist. It meant longing. Yeah, he was longing pretty badly for Michael, the old Michael, even though he still really cared about the new one too.

Despite having no memories of Jeremy, and not knowing why, Michael had settled pretty easily back into their friendship. Which hurt. A lot. Because Jeremy kept forgetting that Michael didn't have all their history anymore, and therefore didn't really care as much as he used to.

His flowers had turned to blue hydrangeas when he had realised the cruel truth of the disease. Hanahaki didn't bloom in purely unrequited love. It came from thinking that it was unrequited. Michael had thought Jeremy didn't love him, and so he had the flowers blooming in his chest. Jeremy had always known Michael loved him, even just as a friend, and so never worried.

Jeremy had only figured this out when he found Michael’s book of dried flowers, the ones he had been coughing up for years. He found the strange note that Michael had left in there from when they were 6, that Jeremy himself had been coughing a lot around that time. That Jeremy had coughed up a flower, a small white daisy. And that Jeremy had gotten better when Michael had told him that he was his best friend.

Jeremy must have been pining for Michael's friendship back then. When he got confirmation of it, he got better. But he hadn't, his hanahaki had just been temporarily pacified, waiting to crop back up now.

Blue hydrangeas were funeral flowers. They meant ‘my heart is broken because you are gone’. How appropriate. It was sort of a cruel irony, really. Jeremy had never doubted that Michael had cared for him until his version of Michael was gone. Now all that was left were memories, a bunch of bloodied petals and Jeremy’s broken heart.

His dad wouldn't have been able to afford the surgery and part of Jeremy was glad for that. He felt that this was his punishment for how much he wronged Michael over the years, how much pain and hurt he had cause. It's not like Jeremy hadn't wanted to die before anyway, now he just could die happily knowing it was for love. He was always a hopeless romantic.

Jeremy didn't tell anyone he was dying, not even as the flowers went from blue hydrangeas to full on baby’s breath plants, bringing up roots and stems and flesh. He had maybe a few weeks left at most.

He never said a word, and managed to hide it really well. He just wrote out his notes in secret and never left home without a hanky (it was embroidered with his name surrounded by forget-me-nots, true love. Michael had given it to him for his 14th birthday). True, he felt guilty for keeping this to himself, but spending his last days with Michael was more than enough of a consolation.

Even just as a fraction of who he used to be, Michael could always make Jeremy feel better


	3. Blue forget-me-nots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for blood and mentions of vomit. Also suicidal thoughts?

Jeremy wasn't sure what he had expected. Sure, he had sort of intended to have it end in his own bathroom or in the comfort of his own bed, but this had everything to do with Michael. There really wasn't any way he wouldn't have been at Michael’s house when it happened. He felt a little stupid for not realising it. He also felt very guilty because Michael wouldn't understand.

Michael had forgotten everything, including the hanahaki itself.

He didn't even know the disease existed.

It was a little late to tell him now, what with Jeremy coughing and heaving up flowers and the floor covered in plants, blood and bile.

A gentle knock on the bathroom door startled Jeremy out of his painful revere. That had to be Michael. Shit, what was he supposed to do?

“Jeremy, you alright in there? You've been gone for ages.” Michael sounded worried. After a moment hesitation, Jeremy decided that he should be honest. Michael would find out sooner enough anyway. At least this way, Jeremy wouldn't be dying alone. He felt strangely calm in all of this, no panic, just grim acceptance. Maybe because he knew Michael would be there.

He forced his heaving to stop just long enough to stumble to his feet and unlock the door, which promptly swung open under the force of Michael’s knock. Jeremy fell back down into his puddle of misery, coughing up another bunch of flowers upon seeing Michael’s worried expression.

“Holy shit!” In an instant, Michael was kneeling next to Jeremy, lifting the boy into his lap. “What the fuck? Jeremy what's going on?!” Frantic fingers ran through Jeremy’s sweaty hair, a gentle, cool sensation in comparison to his burning skin.

It took a few seconds to actually gain control of his limbs again, the coughing causing his muscles to spasm, but as soon as he was able Jeremy reached up and gently cupped Michael’s cheek with his clean hand. Michael whined pathetically but leant into the touch slightly.

“Don't cry, Micha. I'm dying is all…” Jeremy managed to rasp out, his voice raw and painful from everything forcing its way up. Michael jolted and instantly began reaching for his back pocket, where he always kept his phone. Jeremy weakly batted it away.

“No, Jeremy, we need to get you to a hospital! You can't die on me, not like this!” Michael sounded so desperate and broken that jeremy’s resolve was pushed to the limit. Maybe he should... then he remembered that this was his punishment and relaxed once again. He smiled up at his friend, briefly turning away to cough up more petals.

“It's too late for that, Micha. Besides, this is what I want. I was just hoping that I wouldn't be here for you to find when it happened…”

Tears were streaming down Michael’s face and dripping lightly onto Jeremy’s cheek. He brushed them away clumsily, wanting to see one more smile before he passed.

Jeremy allowed himself to be lifted up to Michael’s chest and held close and Michael rocked back and forth. He was distraught. For a moment, the only sounds were Michael’s sobs and Jeremy’s ragged breathing, becoming weaker with every breath.

Finally, he got his thoughts in order enough to speak. It took a lot of effort to get any words out, but he needed Michael to hear them.

“This is my fault, Micha. I didn't love you enough when you remembered me and now this is my punishment. Please don't blame yourself. I'd hate to die knowing someone I love was hurting so much.” The lack of oxygen was obviously loosening his tongue, because Jeremy instantly cringed at his own words.

Michael shuddered and his sobs stopped suddenly. Slowly, he lowered Jeremy down enough to look him in the eye. Jeremy was more than a little shocked to see the stormy expression on his friend’s face.

“Falling in love isn't something you can control Jeremy, it's not your fault. Hanahaki isn't supposed to be a punishment, as much as I know it feels like one.” For a second, Michael’s gaze was firm and Jeremy was at a loss. Michael wasn't even supposed to know the name of the disease, let alone remember that he had it. Then Michael’s expression broke and panic entered his features.

“Wha- what? Flowers… I had hanahaki! For… for you! I was in love with you! I had it for years before I even knew what it was! I- the SQUIP knew, but no one else did and-” Michael trailed off, his gaze finally resting on Jeremy’s stunned face again. “How could I have ever forgotten you, Jere?”

Seconds passed by in an eternity as the two boys stared at each other, awe in their eyes. Jeremy looked hard at Michael and saw that glimmer in his eye, the one from before. He saw that manic spark, marred by despair but finally present again, in those deep brown eyes. This wasn't just Michael, this was _his_ Michael.

His memories were back.

The eternity broke as Michael leaned over, suddenly coughing harshly. Jeremy watched in horror as damned blue forget-me-nots, stem and all, forced their way out of Michael’s airways and onto the tiles of the bathroom.

“No! You're supposed to be okay now! I love you and you are supposed to forget me! You’re supposed to be safe!” Jeremy was babbling is his panic. Michael didn't stop heaving until blood was staining his lips.

Eventually, he looked down at Jeremy, a small, tired smile on his face.

“Two player game, remember? You're not going anywhere without me, not again.” Jeremy was openly crying now, genuine tears of sadness. Michael was supposed to live! This was Jeremy’s punishment, Michael was too good for this! He opened his mouth to say protest, but all that came out were flowers.

Blue forget-me-nots, just like Michael’s.

True love.

Panic started closing in on Jeremy as he found he couldn't seem to take a breath. No matter how hard he tried, no air would flow. He had made his peace with being dead, but he was still scared of dying.

Black dots danced across his vision as he flailed in Michael’s grip. Then his limbs turned to jelly and he was forced to just lay still as he lost consciousness. The last thing he thought he felt was a pair of gentle lips against his.

Then even that faded and Jeremy fell in to nothingness.


	4. Acacia Flowers

The first thing Jeremy registered was a slow, regular beep. It was familiar, but he couldn't place why. It took a few minutes (or he thought it might have been minutes, time as hard to tell with no real reference points), but Jeremy managed to extend his awareness. He had a body at least. His throat hurt and his chest felt heavy. He didn't think he could move just yet.

He listened carefully. There was the sound of another person breathing nearby. Like really close nearby. It was slow and deep, meaning they were probably asleep.

What had happened? Everything felt scrambled, nothing made sense. Still, Jeremy didn't think he had amnesia. He still could remember his name. He could still remember the SQUIP. He had been saved from it by… someone. Ah. Maybe he did have some amnesia.

Maybe that same someone was the one nearby.

He felt a rush of hope which was quickly squashed with no small amount of confusion. Why would he be so happy at the idea of some random person at his bedside? Unless he was happy because the person was missing in his memory, which a part of him still could remember. That would make sense. Maybe.

With no small amount of effort, Jeremy forced his eyes open. He needed to see this person.

A boy in a red hoodie was bent over the bed, his head lying on his arms. Thick glasses were pressed awkwardly against his cheek and he seemed to be drooling a little.

The first thing Jeremy realised was that the boy was very attractive, or at least to him. The second thing was that he was so familiar, in a heart achy sort of way. The third was that Jeremy really wanted to kiss him.

As if sensing a gaze on him, the boy stirred, groaning a little as he sat up. Sleepily rubbing at his eyes, he stretched and looked around. He froze when his eyes landed on Jeremy.

“Jere, you're awake! I've been so worried! I mean, the doctors said you would be fine but I wasn't sure because I know how bad it hurts and I didn't want you going through that yourself. I mean, granted, you already were but-” Jeremy cut him off, lifting his hand with no small effort in what he hopped was a calming gesture. A fond smile found its way on to his lips, even though he didn't exactly understand why.

“Calm down, please. My head still hurts.” He managed to rasp out, suddenly struck with the familiarity of the situation. It was almost like his memories were trying to force themselves forward but had to break through a wall.

“Whoops, sorry man.” The boy’s voice dropped back to a reasonable level, just above a whisper. “So um… how much do you remember? They had to do a little surgery to clear your airways, even if the flowers had mostly wilted by that point. They told me it might have a temporary impact.”

Jeremy considered the question. From what he could tell, everything was still there besides this boy. He was familiar in a way strange way, like a memory of a dream. And there was a hole in his memory, memories of doing things with… someone. But not of who that someone was. He suspected this boy, but couldn't be sure.

“I remember a lot, but there are gaps. Like I think one or two people? I remember doing things with them, but not who they were…” his voice was a little stronger this time, but it trailed off when he saw the handsome boy’s expression fall.

“So… you don't remember who I am, do you?” Jeremy desperately wanted to say that he did, to wipe that devastated look off of his face, but he couldn't lie. Slowly he shook his head.

“You’re familiar, but I don’t know you.” He muttered, feeling terrible about that fact.

For a second, everything was still, a heavy tension hanging over the two. Jeremy could see a far away look in the boy’s brown eyes, like he was recalling something painful. Then he took a shuddering breath and chuckled, albeit a little wetly.

“Damn, now I understand why you had a panic attack when I didn't recognise you. It's hard enough even when I know it's temporary.” Wait, what? He had a panic attack around this boy? But when...?

For a second, his vision swam and he found himself somewhere else. Crouched on the floor, no stairs, with his vision blurry and everything too much. ‘Five things… come on.’ A voice echoed around him, sounding like that boy from the hospital. Five things he could see.

“The stairs, purple slippers, white sneakers, the rug with the juice stain on it and Michael’s red hoodie.” He muttered to himself, his vision clearing. His gaze darted down to the same red hoodie, then back up to a hopeful face. “I remember that panic attack… you're Michael, right?”

“That's right! Oh thank god, it is just temporary. I was honestly was worried that it would be permanent.” Michael’s grin was infectious and Jeremy quickly found himself smiling along. The longer he was awake, the better he felt, and being around Michael was almost speeding it up (or that's how it felt anyway.). “Do… do you remember why you're in hospital?”

Once again, Jeremy took a minute to think. He remembered pain, and sadness and panic. His throat and chest burning from bile and scrapes. Tears on his cheeks, not his own but Michael’s tears. Petals and flowers surrounded the pair, both baby’s breath and forget-me-nots. They had come from inside him.

“I was coughing up… flowers? They had suffocated me… and you were there, crying.” Something else registered. “You were coughing up flowers to!”

Michael nodded sadly.

“Yeah, we both had hanahaki. It's a disease that you get if your love is unrequited. I had it for years, but I got the surgery to remove it. Lost my memories in the process, but it came back when I remembered you. I just don't understand who it was you were pining after enough that you were ready to die for them.”

More memories were bombarding Jeremy all of a sudden. The past few months, his discoveries regarding hanahaki, and the fact that Michael was in love with him.

“I… had found something about hanahaki. It's not unrequited love, it's thinking it’s unrequited. I figured out that you thought I didn't love you which is why you had it.” Another memory, “I had always known you loved me, even just as a friend, so it didn't effect me until you forgot me. But I've apparently had it for years, according to your flower book. Coughed up a white daisy when I was 6.”

Michael took a minute to process, dozens of emotions flashing across his face, before it finally settled on horror.

“It was me? You were going to die because of me?”

“S’not your fault, Micha. I had hurt you so much, I don't remember how right now but I know that I did. And you had finally managed to leave that behind. You would have been fine without me.” Jeremy grimaced, recalling hisown suicidal thoughts. He could have done without those, honestly. “Obviously, it was my punishment for every time I'd ever hurt you. God knows it must have been a lot.”

Michael looked kinda angry now, but it wasn't exactly directed at Jeremy.

“Jere, we’ve been over this. You don't have to make any of that up to me, just not do the same things again. As soon as you’re out of hospital, we are signing you up for therapy. I'm not letting you talk us out of it this time.” Jeremy nodded meekly, wondering if Michael had caught on with everything else Jeremy had said. He didn't realise how true it was until he had said the words. It took a few more minutes, with Michael texting someone, probably reporting that Jeremy was awake.

Michael’s head suddenly shot up, eyes wide as he stared at Jeremy. He blushed under Michael’s awed gaze, squirming a little.

“Neither of us have coughed since you’ve been awake…” Michael pointed out slowly. Jeremy nodded, thinking that maybe he had finally caught on. “We had hanahaki for each other.” Another nod. “You actually like me?”

“Considering that my first impulse when I just saw you, before I had even remembered you, was to kiss you, I'd say so.” Jeremy grinned a little. Upon seeing Michael’s confused look, he sighed and rolled his eyes. “Yes, Micha. I really like you. I'd even say I love you.” Already knowing that Michael loved him made the confession a lot easier.

Michael was frozen, his shocked expression would have been funny if it wasn't such a nerve wracking moment. Jeremy’s thoughts began spiralling with worry. What if Michael had actually fallen out of love? What if he decided that Jeremy wasn't worth it after all of this? What if-?

A pair of gentle lips on his, which were more familiar than they maybe should have been, broke him out of the loop. Jeremy’s eyes shot wide, before fluttering close and he began kissing back.

It was timid, hesitant, but there was a whole lot of love behind it.

Jeremy felt his body moving by itself as he melted into the kiss, hands coming up to pull Michael closed and lifted himself up to meet halfway and his eyes fluttering shut. In turn, Michael placed a hand on Jeremy’s cheek and one around his lower back.

It was a gentle kiss, not a scorching display of passion or even all that deep, but it was a promise of more to come. It was slightly messy and uncoordinated and nervous and perfectly _them_.

Kissing Michael was much like being around Michael in general, but in a more concentrated form. The lingering smell of weed and cherry slushies surrounded him. His touch was gentle and sweet and warm. Every small noise was almost musical.

When the two finally parted, Jeremy was panting lightly. As he opened his eyes, he saw nothing but adoration and fondness in Michael’s gaze. He pressed another quick kiss to Michael’s lips before speaking again, their foreheads resting against each other.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to realise I love you, but if you’ll have me then I want to spend a long as I can telling you.”

Tears glimmered in Michael’s eyes and for a second Jeremy was worried he had said something wrong, but then Michael started laughing.

“Yes. God, yes, Jere,” Michael’s voice was thick with emotion, “I never thought I'd get this chance. I love you too.”

He pulled Jeremy into another kiss, this one almost searing with the emotions being pushed into it. Love and affection and happiness and so much more. And Jeremy, being held by his best friend, his boyfriend, somehow knew everything would be alright.

 

Michael had been coughing up flowers for as long as he could remember. First yellow roses of friendship to sedum representing a broken heart all the way to forget-me-nots of true love.

Jeremy, the one he loved, had also coughed up his fair share.

Then one day, it stopped, as if by magic.

Now, instead of waking up surrounded by petals, Michael woke up next to his husband. Instead of having pain in his lungs, he felt happiness in his heart. And when he saw flowers, he no longer felt sick to his stomach, he could finally appreciate their beauty.

Because, Michael had been in love with Jeremy for as long as he could remember. And now, Jeremy loved him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that’s it! I couldn’t just leave my boys to die for each other. I need happy ending s through the hurt too! Hope you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t the end! This is my first time posting a story that I haven’t finished already, but rest assured there is more coming. Becuase I can’t leave my boys hurting like this, I have to give them a happy ending.
> 
> Notes for flowers:  
> Yellow Roses are for friendship  
> Blue Morning Glories are for unrequited love  
> Gardenias are for forbidden love  
> Peonies are for anger  
> Sedum are for broken hearts  
> The petal Jeremy coughs up is a pink camellia, which is for longing


End file.
